5 Need to know techniques, plus professional insights on what works and what doesn’t
We all communicate—and we all struggle with it at times. One of the most common complaints I hear from clients is that they don’t feel heard by others: that what they say isn’t acknowledged, respected, or even understood. It may be surprising to learn that this experience often has a lot to do with how we’ve said something.
Listeners can definitely do things to help us feel heard, but we often focus on that—despite it being outside of our control. The good news? We do have a great deal of control over how we speak. We have options, power, and influence—we can craft what we say in a way that is more digestible to others.
This article will describe some of those options and help you gain a clearer sense of the power you have to configure your communication in new and beneficial ways. Let’s begin with one essential distinction:
Content Verses Process:
Content = The message being communicated (the words and their meaning)
Process = The experience of sending and receiving the message
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Neurobiology confirms this: our actions—including speech—are driven more by feelings than thoughts. Our emotional nervous system is deeper, more integrated, and faster-acting than our logical brain (the neocortex).
Consider this: When you speak to a coworker, their brain subconsciously processes your tone, pitch, volume, speed, inflection, facial expression, body language, context, and even past experiences—all in real time, before their logical brain even decodes your actual words.
Meanwhile, you’ve likely focused on articulating your message in a way you understand, but not necessarily in a way that appeals to their nervous system. Their response will be shaped mostly by how they feel when hearing you—not by what you’ve actually said.
Have you ever had someone pick apart your words or come back with excuses, even though you know they understood your meaning? Chances are they’re reacting to how your message felt to them.
Take someone who’s deeply tired and depressed—or someone who’s overly bubbly and saccharine. Do you feel like deeply listening to them and validating everything they say? Probably not. We often want to change how they’re being—or just get away.
🥡 Takeout #1:
The experience someone has when talking with you is more important than the meaning of the words you’re saying.
This explains why arguments snowball. When we feel dismissed or denied, it doesn’t feel good, so we repeat ourselves with increasing emotional intensity. We think we’re “making our point,” but we’re actually triggering the listener, making them even less likely to hear what we’re saying.
🥡 Takeout #2:
Communicating while angry or frustrated is risky—and usually a bad idea.
Strong emotions don’t just overshadow our words—they shut down our brain’s ability for critical thinking. This is why fights happen. When we’re emotionally flooded, we can’t think clearly. Our nervous system becomes hyper-attuned to the source of that emotional activation (e.g. the other person’s face and voice).
🥡 Takeout #3:
We can talk whenever we want—but we can’t expect our words to be effective unless we’re emotionally regulated.
If you’re too angry, anxious, or upset, it’s better to wait. Talking in that state can do more harm than good—unless the person you’re talking to is a trained therapist.
Silence As Communication:
Since the process of communication affects us more than the content, silence can be a powerful communication strategy. This isn’t about giving someone the “silent treatment,” but rather signaling that you’re not prepared to engage.
Picture a conversation like a tennis match. One person serves, the other returns, and the exchange continues. But what happens when you don’t return the ball? The play stops. The other person is left wondering what to do.
Silence can trigger the other person to reflect on: 
“Was what I said OK?”
“Is the other person alright?”
If we always return the ball, the other player’s focus is always on what to say next. Your silence can allow them to shift their focus inward. Of course, they may react with frustration (“Hey!” “Why aren’t you saying anything?” “I’m talking to you!”), but you can calmly respond with: “I’ve got nothing to say to that.” Don’t be pulled back in if you can help it.
Silence usually isn’t appropriate in response to a genuine question or request. But if you’ve already answered clearly and know the other person understood you, silence can be a wise next move to repeated questions.
Assertive Communication:
Let’s talk about needs—specifically, communication needs (like being listened to, understood, or respected). These relate to the process of communication. Your communication style rests somewhere on a spectrum, which goes from “passive” on one end, to “aggressive” on the other end. In the middle of this spectrum is assertive communication. This spectrum relates to how much weight we give to our needs vs. others’ needs.
- A passive communicator downplays their needs (e.g. people-pleasing, being overly agreeable).
- An aggressive communicator prioritizes their own needs above others (e.g. interrupting, demanding to be heard).
- An assertive communicator values both—seeking win-win outcomes.
Assertive communication gives you the best chance of getting your needs met. Why? Because people are more likely to listen and collaborate when they know their needs are respected and you’ll stand up for your own needs.
Passive communication leads to being overlooked or misunderstood (“I’m fine with whatever”), while aggressiveness shuts down dialogue and makes people defensive. Assertiveness, on the other hand, increases your chances of being respected and heard.
Even when you’re standing firm—say, disputing a charge at a store—staying calm and respectful is far more effective than getting angry. Speak clearly. Reiterate that you’ve heard the other person. Restate your position, slowly and firmly. Repeat as needed.
Yes, there are times when aggression is appropriate—for example, if your safety is at risk—but for most of us, these are uncommon. In everyday situations, assertiveness wins.
Buddhism’s Right Speech:
A Buddhist perspective may seem overly spiritual, but it’s emphasis on wisdom and compassion is extremely well suited to more effective communication. The Buddhist teaching of “Right Speech” offers a simple but powerful test for wise communication. Before you say something, ask yourself the questions:
- Is it true?
- Is it helpful?
- Is it kind?
- Is it the right time?
If the answer to any of these is no, it might be best to rephrase or wait for a better time. This test is especially useful in close relationships or difficult conversations.
Verbal Judo:
Originally developed for first responders, Verbal Judo emphasizes using empathy—not force—to influence others.
People everywhere want:
- To be understood
- To understand
- To be respected
- To have choices
To meet these needs in communication, try the LEAPS strategy:
L: Listen
E: Empathize
A: Ask
P: Paraphrase
S: Summarize
Importantly, when someone is upset, avoid telling them to “calm down.” This rarely works and often backfires. Instead, explain that you understand their concerns and want to work with them to find a solution. Having a strong position in a disagreement or problem can make us feel powerful—but our real power lies in our ability for empathy and mutual problem-solving.
Avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
According to renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, four communication habits are especially destructive in relationships:
- Criticism – Attacking the person’s character rather than voicing a complaint
- Contempt – Sarcasm, mockery, or expressions of superiority
- Defensiveness – Making excuses or counterattacking
- Stonewalling – Emotionally shutting down or withdrawing
Of these, contempt is the most predictive of relationship breakdown. While no relationship can be completely free of criticism, being aware of these patterns can help keep your communication—and your connections—healthier.
Learn more: The Four Horsemen – Gottman Institute
Communication Coaching:
The way we communicate plays a huge role in the quality of our lives and relationship. Small shifts in the way we communicate can lead to powerful changes, and ultimately move our lives in better directions. Working with a therapist can help you refine your communication and deepen your self-understanding. Therapy is a good option because before you get to communication, it’s important to know what you feel, what you need, and what kind of impact you want to have.
Happy Communicating!
Michael Indermaur, Registered Clinical Counsellor
