Choosing a relationship counsellor can be overwhelming, but gay relationship counsellors can be a good choice, regardless of your sexual orientation. Read on to learn more.
1. Safety
The word safety typically conjures up ideas of immediate physical threats, such as being harassed on transit or being beat up in a dark car park (naturally, since our brain’s fear centre evolved to protect us from predators and rivals). However, in the context of contemporary relationships, Emotional and Relational Safety (ERS) are more relevant. There are endless examples of ERS, but some that I see most often include (a) ultimatums (like the partner who is constantly threatening to end the relationship – often the party with more friends or better employment); and (b) forms of emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting, stonewalling, or using children and other relatives in arguments (e.g. “You can’t wear that to Christmas lunch, my [mother/father] would disown you). As adults, we’ve all had to learn how to deal with these kinds of behaviours, and most of us have also learned when to leave relationships in which these behaviours have become commonplace. This can be hard, because the cutoff point at which to leave is often not clear to us, especially when lives have become intermingled. Not only do I have first-hand experience living life with a lack of ERS (and therefore am able to empathize with this), I’ve also come to understand the dynamics involved and developed a sense of what works and what doesn’t in combating lack of, and reestablishing, ERS. Whatever your gender or sexuality, working with a gay counsellor who’s familiar with the types and effects of poor ERS can be a huge help in finding your way through, determining boundaries, and if necessary, leaving.
For more on this, check out Esther Perel’s “Where should we Begin” Podcast, featuring real couple’s counselling sessions.
2. Communication, Vulnerability, & Intuition
Effective communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy, intimate relationship. All of us can communicate, but most of us don’t do it particularly well. We pick up bad habits from our families, and we become invested in being right – in “winning” the fight. In the long term, as we get to know our partners more deeply, we can come to expect conflict, and begin to feel that resolution of long-standing contentions is impossible. Of course there are some things people will never agree on, but there are ways to change our styles of communication, and our attitudes to conflict and each other. The results of these changes on relationship(s) can be profound.
Gay people have life experiences often not experienced by other demographics: When we come to an awareness of our queer identity (often in elementary or high school), many of us initially choose not to share this with anyone, and/or we act in ways to proactively prevent being perceived as gay (covert manipulation). By age 18, many have come out. Like the majority of us, I initially used a combination of these strategies: Feeling things out and picking and choosing how I acted and what/how/how much I communicated, depending on who I was with, and on how I was feeling. This gave me rich learning about communication, trust/safety, and identity. Then there’s the experience of “coming out” itself; I’ve seen how (a) most of my fears around coming out never came true; (b) some people treated me drastically differently (often in surprising ways); and (c) how being vulnerable not only deepened existing connections, but transformed my self-esteem and quality of life. When it comes to looking for sex partners, gay guys can hone their intuition and develop robust communication strategies. Some of these strategies include flagging – the use of clothing items/colours to signify sexuality and sexual interests; cruising – locating oneself purposefully and employing non-verbal signals to indicate their interests/desires; and gay hookup apps, which can have their own social conventions, and teach us how to navigate threats/deception and find what we’re looking for amongst “straight” men (and all manner of others who are online with dishonest intentions). These life experiences function as a varied training ground, teaching us about relationships, communication, vulnerability, intuition, conflict, trust/safety, the value of genuine connection, and perhaps most importantly, ourselves.
3. Power & Privilege
Dynamics of power and privilege often don’t feature high on the list of topics discussed within relationships, but their role in communication is central. Partners with more privilege can benefit from a position of baseline dominance over the partner(s) with less privilege, but this power imbalance is extended further because partners with power or privilege come to expect possession of power, and partners with less come to expect less. This is why the same one person in a relationship often wins the fights or gets “their way”; the person with power expects to win (which gives them confidence in their position), while the person with less power, after accumulation of losses, gives in earlier (this is not a weakness, but an innate and logical survival strategy; it protects us from further attack and preserves our energy reserves).
Men have traditionally been thought of as dominant, but in heterosexual relationships these days, men can find themselves in the position of less power just as easily as women can (although the same cannot be said for their position of privilege in society at large). Gay men (of my generation and older, at least) may have more experience occupying positions of less power in relationships. When it comes to all-male relationships, power dynamics can be even more-multi-factoral and elusive, often emanating from sub- or semi-conscious aspects. Internalized homophobia, perceived homophobia, homophobia itself, [internalized] sexism, shame rooted in sex, paternalistic legacy, competition, and ageism all come into play when men get together with men. This informs our social dynamics, sexual interests, choice in partners, and ultimately, our identities. Many gay men have never seriously considered all of this. Some of us have, and those like myself, who have the benefit of safety and support, favourable social standing, and education in social dynamics, have the opportunity to apply our understanding of all these intricacies to assist others with their identities and relationships. I can’t say that gay relationships are more nuanced than hetero ones, only that I’ve spent a bit of time, effort, and thought working through power and privilege*, and I can assure you these are intense dynamics that have a massive impact on relationships. I can attest to the fact that having greater awareness of these dynamics will go a long way in developing better communication and cohesion in any form of relationship, intimate or otherwise.
*In the interests of transparency, I’m an English speaking, middle-class, able bodied white cis man in my mid 30s.
If you’re struggling with use of the word “privilege”, start here: https://www.canada.ca/content/dam/ircc/documents/pdf/english/corporate/anti-racism/wheel-privilege-power.pdf
4. Alternative Relationship Styles
The LGBTQ umbrella is a very diverse group, with many genders, interests, and ways of being. As a collective we share similar experiences of judgement, prejudice, and discrimination. Being around each other, even knowing that each other exists, we receive education in acceptance of difference. Perhaps this is why non-traditional relationship styles, A.K.A open partnerships, polyamory, and Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) seem to be more commonly accepted among gay men than in the general population. Cisgender, heterosexual folk who grow up in families where 1-1 monogamous relationships were the expectation may have been conditioned to be somewhat close-minded about these, in comparison. I’m not about to tell anyone that their committed 1-1 monogamous relationship is wrong – in fact I see a lot of benefits to this type of dynamic. What I’m saying is that you may have more choices and power beyond what you can currently see. If you’ve only ever been in traditional relationships, a gay relationship counsellor can help you understand your options so that you aren’t limited by your perspective, or your parent’s. Things are changing rapidly in our society, and if you’re new to this, there’s a bit to catch up on. A gay relationship counsellor can help you find out what other people are doing, and help you decide if something different might work for you.
If you’re curious about this topic, Morethantwo.com has great resources. Start here: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html
5. Empathy
No matter what sort of relationship challenge a client faces, empathy is foundational to the therapy process. Empathy helps trust develop, and it can facilitate rapid emotional expression and healing. Without empathy, the therapist would struggle to understand clients’ perspectives. Working through stigma and shame, minority stress, and my own challenging relationships adds layers to the dynamics and complexities I’ve come to understand. This first-hand experience allows gay relationship counsellors to empathize strongly with their clients, regardless of their genders or sexualities.
I’m a gay therapist passionate about helping people with their relationships. This blog draws not on scientific research but on my education, personal experience, and my professional experience working with people of many genders/sexualities, on relationships of many types. I’m by no means an expert, nor am I the right therapist for every client. Use your judgement, shop around, and if you want more guidance on choosing a therapist, I’m open to discussing therapist selection, even if you’re not considering working with me. Get in touch at Info@Bestquestwellness.ca.
-Michael Indermaur
